A year has passed now since the tradegy in Mandal, Norway where I and a lot others lost 4 friends and gained a new perspective on life. I started this blog last year with a post about this experience, and I haven’t it used that much since, so I thought I’ll give another spin with an expression of the feelings I’ve gone through in a year now. And then hopefully I’ll be able to get some other post’s in here afterwards.
Not A Good Trade
A year filled with experience and feelings is gone, a year ago this day they were out there struggling. It’s been a year that has felt like more than One year both in time and in measuring how much older I’ve gotten. But the all-consuming pain that were there then is not the same now, I believe it’s because I’ve gotten to know it, it doesn’t confuse me anymore and I’m less easy thrown off by it, I guess this is what we call strength in a time like this, where you learn to navigate in pain. This is a strength that I only felt like discarding in a long time, especially when I lost another friend in November, and felt the effect of it.
I didn’t want it because it felt like I was accepting the trade that most unwillingly had been made, and that I could and would not.
When something dear to you which adds meaning to your life get ripped out of your life, it’s in my opinion impossible not to get your focus sharpened. But in which area and in what amount is totally different from person to person, but this is what we get to bring with us and lead us out of the pain. (at least that’s what i think of it) I placed my focus on friendships, since this was what I lost, but not only did I loose friends in the now but also the friends I were meant to have when I’m 30, 40 or even 80 years old, hereby said; Friends I didn’t get to do and experience enough with, not now but maybe not even while they were here. I’ve increased my focus on relations with my friends to get better at being conscious about where we are heading and raising the awareness of our processes. And can’t judge my own actions fairly, but I get the fruits I’ve reaped of this labour, and this is a fruit that I’m happy and content about. It’s never been an easy travel for me, to get all the philosophies that my thoughts create moved from my head and down into motion in my legs, but in this journey it has felt like succes.
I’ve carved a wooden heart, put it in this sinking ship
hoping it would help me float for just a few more weeks
because I am made out of shipwrecks, every twisted beam
lost and found like you and me scattered out on the sea
so come on let’s wash each other with tears of joy and tears of grief
and fold our lives like crashing waves and run up on this beach
Listener – Wooden Heart
Accepting The Unacceptable
Recently I got asked again how i was, with reference to the tradegy last year, and I came to think of it, I’m actually Happy about what I’ve gotten. It’s not that I’ve accepted the trade I would still rather have my guy’s back than anything, but fact is that I can’t change the Price that was paid but only the income, and I owe it to them to make the best of it, and to do this I needed to have focus on focus.
Henrik, Jakob, Nikolaj Og Thomas I Miss You. But thanks for what you’ve given me.
it’s been tough to get here, timewise and with feelings, still we’ve gotten this far now, time actually didn’t stop a year ago even though I thought it did, I’ve gotten better at living and one year closer to our reunion.
Thank you for what you’ve given so far in your life and in your death.
Learnings From A Painful Year
Last modified: 18. august 2011